Then, A Surprise.

After getting the call that Thursday, everything was turned upside down. Really, getting the news that we had been matched breathed new life into us. Knowing that soon a baby would be home with us gave us new energy to get through the move and the start of a new job. I was motivated to get moved and settled into our new home, create a wonderful nursery for our sweet baby to be and make a plan to cover my ministry while I was away on leave. And we only had a few weeks to do it all!
We were anxious in so many ways…there was so much to prepare…all while holding onto the reality that all of this was never guaranteed.

A week passed in record time – and in slow motion simultaneously.

The night before our big meeting, Wednesday, July 7th, I decided to place a call to our caseworker to double check our time and location for the meeting with the birth mom the next day. I had two meetings at church that night – and I only had a few minutes left to reach the adoption office before I needed to get to church. I just wanted to clarify our location, so I called her quickly.
When the caseworker answered I simply asked, “Hey, are we still meeting you at the office in the morning?”
And she responded in a very strange way. I asked the question and she started stammering around, “well, uh….well.” And then she said it. “Well, we need to meet at the hospital, because the baby’s been born.”

I remember that I was parked outside the Christian Bookstore, in my car. I heard her speak those words and all breath left my body.

She went on to explain that she didn’t have much information but the birth-mom, who was due in five more weeks, went into labor early that morning. The baby was here, safe and healthy. And we would need to meet at the hospital with the birth mom instead of getting to know her at the office. She said that everything was very much up in the air because everything happened so quickly and emotions were running high – but we needed to pack a bag ‘just in case’ things went well. I asked if she knew the gender of the baby – she hesitated for just a moment – before telling me it was a little boy. We made arrangements to meet at the hospital at 8:00 am the next morning and with no feeling in my body, I hung up the phone.

It was 5:15 – and I needed to be in a meeting at 5:30.
Suddenly I was on high alert. I needed to call Gabe. I needed to tell my boss that I might not be coming back for a while. I needed to make phone calls. I needed to pack, get things ready – and maybe try to sleep. Oh my goodness! I couldn’t believe what she had just told me! There was a baby! A real baby was here – and would maybe be ours.

I dialed Gabe and tried to explain to him all that had just happened. There wasn’t a lot of information to give him – and for what information there was, I struggled to find all the right words to say. I regurgitated everything I could remember to him. We didn’t say much, we just immediately flew into ‘go’ mode. We knew we only had a few short hours before everything changed. And I literally had minutes before I had to be at work. Gabe was tasked with finding a home for Winston for a few days and starting the long process of packing. And I needed to deal with my new job. We hung up the phone and went to work.

I remember walking straight into the Pastor’s office. She was sitting at a small table and I sat down next to her. I looked at her and must have had the strangest look on my face. I told her that I had no idea how to tell her this, so I was just going to say it.
I laid it out and told her that a baby was here, that he could be ours and that I might need to take my maternity leave immediately. She handled the surprise with absolute grace. She could have easily been upset to have to deal with my leaving. But she told me not to worry about it and she would work something out. The plan was to go to the meeting with the birth mom and go from there. She left for a dinner break while I went into my first meeting – where I broke the news again. I didn’t want to tell many people just in case this didn’t work out. But I had to tell a few people that I would be leaving in the lurch. We made a plan as best we could and walked into another meeting. The second meeting was so surreal. I didn’t play an important role and mostly sat back. I couldn’t hold still. I couldn’t focus. I was grinning from ear to ear and sharing secrets with my neighbor who knew what was going on. I just remember thinking that I needed to GO!

When the meeting was over a dear friend asked if I’d like to go out for some Ice Cream.
I just remember smiling and saying, “Uh, No.”
Afterwards, I felt awful that I was so abrupt with her, but all I wanted to do was get home, get ready – and for the next day to come.  I raced home and made a few calls along the way.
The best call of the night, next to calling my parents, was calling my girlfriends who were all on the beach together. What an incredible surprise to give them! I still remember the squeals from the other end of the phone.

I was overwhelmed at the thought that what we had five weeks to be ready for before could be happening the next day. There was so much to do just for a baby! And we hadn’t even moved yet. I pulled up to the house and saw the garage door hanging open. Tools were spread out in the driveway and Gabe was on the phone. It took a minute for me to figure out what was going on, but he was in project mode! Gabe decided that a few things needed to be done around the house, and he was going to get them done that night! I raced inside, went upstairs to the empty nursery and pulled out a box I had packed already with some baby things I had picked up over the years. I pulled out ANYTHING that was for a little boy and started loading the car. I had a box of clothes, a loaded diaper bag with many essentials. A case of diapers. A ‘Pack and Play’ and a ‘Rock and Play’. I packed for the dog. I packed clothes and things for me, knowing that I might not come back to the house for a long while. And at some point, I convinced Gabe we should sleep.
I don’t remember if it was hard to go to sleep that night. I’m sure that I was anxious, that my head was full of thought…but I believe that I knew I needed the sleep.
So somehow, I rested for a few hours.

It’s hard to believe that it was the last night I would sleep in that house. And the last night that Gabe and I would know without a child. The next day – everything changed.

First, The Call.

It was Thursday, July 7th – and I was sitting in the living room in Victoria, overwhelmed with the change that was ahead of us in the move and change in ministry.  I was in the lazy boy anxious about all there was to do and attempting to figure out a strategy for surviving it all.  I remember clearly that earlier in the day I had received two separate phone calls…and each time I had looked to see if it was the caseworker calling with ‘The Call’ – and both times the phone rang I was disappointed.  It’s a hard thing to describe….every time the phone would ring in those five months, EVERY TIME,  my heart would jump hoping that it was the call – then almost immediately my heart would sink when reality hit with another number on the screen.
But in this moment, in the recliner, the call I always hoped was coming, came.
I saw the phone light up next to me, and this time, before I  looked at the screen, I thought to myself, “Sarah, stop – you can’t think that every time the phone rings.  You’ll only be disappointed.”  And then I looked down.

And on the screen was my caseworker’s name.
When I saw her name, I was oddly calm.  I figured she was calling about the move or in need of some information.  I did NOT think that she was calling with news.

When I picked up the phone she said, “Hey, I was calling to see if we could move the meeting we had scheduled next week.”
I had my computer in my lap, so I said “Sure, no problem,” as I pulled up my calendar.

Then she adds, “Cause you’ve been identified.”
It took a minute to sink in – but I remember responding with, “Shut up.”  (And not in the ‘I’m so excited’ sort of way – but in the ‘don’t mess with me’ sort of way.)  She went on to tell me that we had been identified by a birth mom and we were scheduled to meet with her the following Thursday at 8:00 am.  I know I asked a few questions, but my caseworker didn’t know much about the circumstance.  What she did tell me was that the birth mom was due August 19th, and that she was a wonderful birth mom.  The caseworker suggested bringing a list of name ideas and questions for to ask the birth mom.
And with that, she said congratulations and let me go.
Oddly enough, I didn’t scream or jump up and down, I didn’t cry – I just remember thinking, ‘okay. okay, what do we do now?’
Gabe had been out running some errands, and wouldn’t be home until late that night.  I tried several times to reach him…and when he finally was able to answer I said, “Uh, I’ve been going crazy trying to reach you!”  His response?  ”What, did we get the call?”
We talked and I filled him in on the conversation word for word.  We began to make a plan for the next few days and the 5 weeks ahead that might possibly bring us a baby.  Then we made all the necessary calls.  We talked to our parents, siblings and my boss, sharing with them the good news – all while being both hopeful and uncertain about what this could mean.

As we processed the good news, we also had a strange decision to make.  The next Monday we both had tickets to fly to Florida to meet up with dear friends for a beach vacation.  It had been a long anticipated vacation – the first since our honeymoon 8 years ago – and a 10 year reunion with our friends from Seminary.  We either had to cancel the trip altogether or find a way to work around the meeting.   It was oddly bitter-sweet.  I wanted more than anything to share the good news in person with these girls and celebrate on the beach.  But our airfare was non-transferable, non-refundable. I tried to rearrange, and even considered going down and coming back early.  But in their wonderful way, my friends shared nothing but joy and love about the placement and told us to not worry.  So we canceled the tickets and focused our attention on the meeting ahead.

When I think about the day, I just remember being very straight forward.  I wanted a plan. I wanted to get things done.  I was in shock that we were about to find our way through a move and a new job – and now a placement.  I was excited, but in a lot of ways, just numb – I really just couldn’t believe it.

Little did I know.  ;)

Let’s Backup.

Even I’m a little confused by the happenings surrounding the last few weeks. So let’s backup and recap a little, shall we?

I Really Should Write A Post and Tell You

all about our little man and how he came to us.
But even now, as I want to tell you, I’m too sleepy to try.
So instead of words, I’ll give you pictures.  I know that’s what you want anyway.  :)

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I’m not sure how…

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to look back over these 4 days and put into words just how our lives have changed. My head is spinning. And my heart is overjoyed.

I will do my best in the coming days to relive the moments – and share our joy.

For now, we are celebrating the arrival of
a baby boy!
Hudson Michael James Wanck surprised our birth mom with an early arrival!
I’m sitting by his isolette admiring this sweet boy – and praying he comes home to us soon.

Hudson Michael was born on
July 13, 2011 at 8:00 am.
5 lbs. 4 oz.
18 inches long

And perfect. Absolutely perfect.

One More Day.

One More Day!

Someone Has a Sense of Humor.

As I re-read my previous post, I can’t help but chuckle to myself at just how quickly everything changes!  And as my very wise friend Kate reminded me months ago, it only takes one day.  One day -  and the whole story can change.

Thursday night while I was sitting in the living room, recovering from my first few days at the new job and surrounded by piles of boxes for the move – my phone rang.

And my caseworker from Catholic Charities was on the other end.
I picked up the phone and Katrina asks if we can reschedule a meeting  that we had lined up for the end of the month………..because we had been matched!!

Gabe and I have been chosen by a birth-mother!
And we’re scheduled to meet her on Thursday – to get to know her, and our soon to be baby!

What I know from our caseworker is that this mother has been a joy to work with.  She’s hardworking, independent, has taken great care of the little one … and she’s picked us.
Please say a prayer for Thursday morning.  I truly have peace that the Lord has all of this in his care.  But pray for joy and peace between us as we meet.  And if all goes well on Thursday – we will soon be parents!

With a new job, boxes piled around me and a baby on the way – I can’t help but giggle.   Things are about to get very interesting!

Everything Changes.

Tomorrow I will load my car with too many boxes and begin again.  In the coming days I will walk new halls, meet new people and begin a new ministry.   With all this change brings, I’m both excited and petrified.  I’m nervous to leave behind the life and ministry I have known these last 4 years.  And although my time here has been too short, it’s also become comfortable, familiar and easy.  And change inevitably means challenge, discomfort and well – change.   Change can be thrilling – but the uncertainty of change can be overwhelming.

Truth be told, I’m a bit in denial about having to say goodbye.  Four years ago, Gabe and I stood on a sidewalk taking in our new church and our new home – uncertain if we had the ability to lead and excited about what life would hold for us in this beautiful place.  This community has taken us in, cared for us, encouraged us – as we did our best to care for them.  Over four years they have walked with us through uncertainty and heartbreak.  They have prayed and worried with us as we grieved – and they are hopeful with us as we walk through adoption.  It’s hard to imagine leaving people, and a place, that has been such a source of strength for us.  I had hoped that together we would celebrate having  a child to love.  I had dreamed of a child sleeping in these rooms and running through this yard.  I could see our family growing here and worked so hard to make it happen.  It’s heartbreaking to think that we are leaving here having experienced so much pain – and not yet knowing the joy we had hoped for.

I don’t know that I’m ready to leave this home we’ve known and loved.  And in some way, I’m not sure that I’m ready to close the door on this story.  We’re leaving here with unanswered prayers.  And I’m not sure that I want to say goodbye to everything that means.

My only hope is that maybe this is the end of a painful chapter and the beginning of a better one.
My prayer is that this change will bring with it the home and a family we’ve dreamed of for so long.

It’s strange to say, but I’m uncertain about ending this chapter – because even though it held pain and heartbreak – I can’t be certain that the new chapter won’t as well.  I guess that’s part of what grief does to you.  It tries to steal your hope for what could be.

So I’m terrified of what this new story might bring, I’m reluctant to leave what I know so well – but it’s time to move ahead and discover the hope of what could be.

To the people of Victoria and Maxey Chapel – it has been an honor to walk with you in ministry.  You have been our strength through these years and I will carry you with us as we discover the story ahead.  You have my heart.

Coming Together.

Well, the pieces are starting to come together. Our dear family members all finished their embroidery projects and mom is beginning to put the pieces together. It’s hard to imagine that one day this blanket will cover a little one while they sleep, or that a grandchild will know how much their grandma prayed for them to join our family while they snuggle.
It’s really hard to believe at times that we are actually waiting to be a family – and one day this journey will all come together.

I hope that day comes soon.

What I’m Learning…

The process of adoption has been so much more than paperwork for me.  In it, I am learning things about myself and about my God.  I’ve wanted to sit down and write some of my thoughts about faith and this journey – but I haven’t yet found the words.

So I thought I would share this with you instead.
I spoke with my congregations a few months ago what I was beginning to learn in my faith through the process of adoption.  I thought maybe sharing this with you today would be easier than me trying to sum it up with written words.

If you’d like, take a few minutes to listen about what I’m learning….

“Adoption”